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Goovin this am

Oh. My. Gawd.

So anyone use Songza?  Apparently I am late to the game on this one. It’s a self-described music concierge that has a bunch of lists for how you’re feeling.  I put it on every morning during Little Mac’s nap, while I drink my second cup of coffee and mindlessly peruse the interwebs (slash – not writing my blog).  I am a big fan of the 90’s Summer Dance Party playlist.  So many gems.  Here are a few that have come on this morning:

When the Lights Go Out – 5ive

Gypsy Women (She’s Homeless) – Crystal Waters

Creep – TLC

Feel So Good – Mase (this was really hard to find!  What up with that, where is the Ma$e love??)

Like come on, that is a pretty sweet mix.

BUT, while listening a certain song popped in my head that always reminds me of highschool.  And a dance party with my brothers (yes, we were pretty cool).

 

Yes.  Just the lead pic there is awe-some.  I love this song so much.  So so much.  It makes me smile, and my head starts bobbing. Not long before I am up and dancing around the kitchen. Busting out my sweet sweet dance moves.

So enjoy.  And try to dance a little bit today 🙂

You. Are. Welcome.

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You are my sunshine, My only sunshine.

You make me happy, When skies are gray.

You never know dear, How much I love you.

So please don’t take, My sunshine, away.

Oh gawd.  This song.  I never really thought about it much before having kids, but now that I have them, this song just pulls at my heart strings.  It is no secret that I am uber emotional and cannot really control my tears, and when this song enters my realm of consciousness, look out.  Floods.   I go to a Mom and Baby Yoga class at One Tooth Yoga, and the instructor has us sing this song at the end of each class to our babies.  I can’t even…  I look anywhere but at Little Mac because I will break down crying. 

Look at that face.

Look at that face.

And when the song sneaks up on me in unexpected places… ugh.  So. Many. Tears.  The most recent instance I can remember was during the movie Trouble with the Curve – a Clint Eastwood baseball movie.  So right away, Clint Eastwood + baseball… I knew I was going to love this movie.  Plus it has JT in it.  Gold.  However, this happened: 

And I was a goner. 

I think the song itself is so powerful because it is so simple.   And it can take on a different meaning for anyone.  A parent, sibling, child, friend… anyone can be your sunshine.  

So now I leave you to go play with my sunshine 🙂

Alright, so the use of the word “dumb” may be a bit of an over simplification. I was going for the opposite of Smart.  Hence dumb.  I actually don’t think I have used the word dumb in a long time.  That seems like a good thing.

What did we do before the advent of the smart phone?  When the internet and all it’s wonders – facebook, twitter, instagram, pinterest – weren’t readily available everywhere.  What did I do when waiting for the doctor?  [I actually read a book, made from paper.  Weird I know.]   I am not going to discuss how technology is taking over our lives and that we need to unplug because we are missing life because we are too busy trying to document it… there is plenty to say on that, and plenty of people have said it already. If you google “technology taking over” there are a billion results.  Cah razy.  I think technology is a good thing – in moderation.  Yes we should put down the phone/tablet and pay attention to our kids – but they are also great to catch those moments that you just have to document.  Like this one.

I have a smart phone – a Samsung Galaxy S4 mini – with a touch screen.  A gift from my lovely baby brother (who is 27 now, so I probably can stop calling him my ‘baby’ brother).  And I quite enjoy it.  But this is where the “dumb” comes in.  I used to have a black berry, which I was all about and loved.  But it died on me. So sad.  Sort of.  The reason why I loved the BB and am still dumb when it comes to my touchscreen is the absence of BUTTONS.  Oh man do I love me some buttons.  Typing on a touch screen is torture.  If you could only see how much I struggle.  I misspell EVERY word.  Well, what feels like every word.  And I don’t think that I have very fat fingers.  A simple “How are you doing?” becomes “hoe ate yui doig”.  Forget the question mark.

Oh man, case in point:

Typing fail

Typing fail

I was trying to type “whispering”.  And didn’t even get the How right.  ugh.

As you can probably guess, I do use the suggested words frequently.  But a lot of times, and I do mean a lot, the suggestions that come up are no where near what I was going for.

As one does with smartphones, I check my email and facebook messages on my phone.  However,  I do not like replying on my phone as you can guess it takes me forever.  But because I have everything on my phone I hardly ever go on the lap top (which is a million times easier to type on).  So therefore I never reply to people.  Sorry if you are waiting for a reply from me.  Also sorry if my reply seems short (it is because I probably got fed up with trying to type and kept it to as little words as necessary to get my point across.)

I am getting better… slowly.

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Look at how happy we seem

So to be honest, my whole “Stay Positive” thing is not going so well.  My hubby said to me the other day that it’s been 4 months of being upset and angry.  And I hate to say it, but he speaks the truth.  I would like to say that I am a well educated person, and I did my research on the changes that happen after child birth and what could/would happen to your body – the drop in hormones and how your body handles it.  Well, this time around, my body is not handling it.

During my first pregnancy people were not shy about giving me advice and tips.  And being new to this whole pregnancy and baby thing, I lapped it all up.  During my second pregnancy I noticed a change in people’s reactions and subsequent advice.  Once they found out it was my second, no one really gave me any tips on handling two kids.  Rather the majority of reactions were “well, you’ll be old hat at this now.  Second kids are much easier – you know what to do, how could it not be easy.”  At the time this seemed to be a reasonable reaction, and it is somewhat true.  In terms of caring for the 2nd baby, you know what to expect, which does make it easier. The late night feeding fests, lack of sleep, crying… and then there is the baby’s feeding, sleeping and crying.  Going through it with Big Mac, we were immensely more prepared to deal with Little Mac.  So yes, it is easier.   And I did hear/read that 2nd babies are usually more chill than first borns.  Probably due to the fact that taking care of them is not such a foreign concept for the parents.  Little Mac is pretty chill, which I am very thankful for.

See, pretty chill right?  How can you not love that face and those cheeks

See, pretty chill right? How can you not love that face and those cheeks

The part that is sucking is my own perceived shortcomings – perhaps I set my expectations too high on how “easy” it was going to be.   Little Mac is easy, but add that to taking care of a toddler, body image issues, lack of sleep, drop in hormones, emotional eating, longer recovery time.  I seriously thought I was just going to bounce right back in to it.  I recovered pretty quickly the first time around – but recovery this time has been very slow and frustrating.  Little Mac is so well behaved I am getting the windows of opportunity to do something physical, but my body could not handle it.  The walk to and from daycare – in the SNOW – was enough to render me useless for the rest of the day.  Ugh.

Ya, don’t even get me started on the cold and snow… hate. it.

Snow can be fun?  Big Mac shovelling

Snow can be fun? Big Mac shovelling

So yes, it hasn’t been all rainbows and roses.  I was probably delusional in thinking it would be, but I definitely thought it would be easier than this.  I do fly off the handle a lot.  My poor hubby – he really is the reason I haven’t fallen in to a black hole.  Just circling for now.  I am not one to ask for help. I am pretty stubborn, and get easily offended when people, especially strangers, offer to help me.  My brain, for some reason, associates an offer to help with the assumption that the person offering to help thinks that I am weak and can’t/shouldn’t do whatever it is that I apparently need help with.  I recognize this is crazy.  And very counterproductive to my current mental/emotional/physical state.  I do need help.

I am not sure where this “I can do everything myself” came from.  I am sure underneath it all there is the root that we mom’s can do it all and have it all, and that the societal pressures are too much and yadda yadda.  But I do know that I need to get over myself and suck it up and let the nice man who offered to help me with the stroller, that is carrying two kids, just friggin help me get it over the snow bank.

Snow.

Snow.

I also know that I shouldn’t just sit back and not say anything and wait for this to run it’s course.  Postpartum depression is a serious thing, and it kind of scares me that this black hole I am staring at has a name.  There are a lot of lows lately – definitely challenging trying to manage a very spirited toddler and an infant, and not be a pile of negative shit when hubby comes home.  But then  there are days when Big Mac is being super fun, drumming along to Bruce Springsteen in his undies and we are having a family dance party.  Those are the days that make it all worth it.  When Little Mac smiles and laughs, when Big Mac comes running toward me yelling “Mummy” with absolute joy, when my hubby doesn’t want to punch me in the face.  Just kidding on that last one.  That man is a god send, has the patience of… I dunno, something that has a lot of patience.

Big Mac drumming in his undies

Big Mac drumming in his undies

So happy

So happy

So ya, not the most  positive I’ve ever been.  Perhaps it will get easier.  Maybe it won’t.  I will try to ask for help, and allow people to help. Focus on the good days. Set realistic expectations; e.g. if I do one thing today, it will be to take a shower.  Or no expectations and let the day just be about sitting in front of the tv watching (terrible) day time shows and eat a whole box of girl guide cookies.  Although… probably need to be a tad concerned when these days start out-numbering the days that I shower.

Happy family (really happy, not pretending)

Happy family (really happy, not pretending)

P.S. we need more girl guide cookies.

Considering that I JUST realized it was 2014 yesterday, could you blame me for posting a Happy New Years blog 6 days in to the new year.  “2014” as a number just seems ridiculous.   Space-aged ridiculousness.  I feel like we should be hover-crafting everywhere now.  But I guess we can go to Mars soon, so that is something.  Not the point I am trying to make though.

I used to try to make resolutions, but did so with the full knowledge that I am not really going to keep them.  Go to the gym more, eat more healthy foods, not go online so much, be nicer to people, not complain about shit so much… well, I am proud to say that I have made ZERO resolutions this year.  Less chance of failure?  Maybe I am just too lazy.  But really, shouldn’t these resolutions be things that I just do.  Oh wait, since I don’t do them, then I am resolving to start doing them… then maybe keep on doing them?  Man, this is taking up too much brain power for a Monday morning.  Excuse me while I get more coffee.

I am going to keep it simple this year.  And not change anything.  I love my hubby.   I love my kids.  (still not used to saying “kids” in plural).  I love our life.  I think 2013 was a great year, so why change what is working.  Just kidding, well only half kidding.

There are some things that I would like to accomplish this year, but the most important thing I want to do is try to be more positive.   I say try because, honestly, it can be hard sometimes, especially with an infant, and especially when you still have crazy hormones pumping through you, especially with the adjustment to having two kids and less time, especially when your family lives in a different city… especially a lot of things apparently.  But it is a mantra that I hope to keep with me all year.  Stay Positive.  There are too many things to enjoy that I do not want to waste my time stressing and being negative about things that don’t matter.  It can seem a bit overwhelming, but instead of dwelling on the situation, I hope to be able to turn whatever is getting me down on its head and positive the shit out of.  Pardon my language.  Perhaps I should resolve to clean up my potty mouth :S

So with that, I wish you all a Happy New Year!  Good luck if you made resolutions… but most importantly

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Little Mac – 7 days new. Photo by Natalie Spencer Photography

So we had a baby.  Little bugger was 8 days over cooked.   Little Mac finally decided to join us (had to be coaxed out a bit), and has made our lives all the better.   As I like to tell myself.  Some times it feels like I am trying to convince myself that this is a good thing, other times I feel overwhelmed by how happy we are and marvel that things can be this good!  These alternating feelings happen several times a day :S  I said it before, but I never thought I could be MORE emotional, but hey, just tack on another kid and it seems that my emotions are affected 10-fold.

Here is a list of things that I cry about now:

  • The lingering pain of a quick labour of a large kid (I am a big wuss).
  • This commercial.
  • This video.
  • The look on Little Mac’s face after he is done feeding and he’s all milk-drugged and floppy.
  • The look on Big Mac’s face when he gets home from school and sees his brother and exclaims happily “Oh, baby brother!”
  • My brother and his fiancee got a new puppy.
  • My hubby blowing me a kiss good night.
  • When Big Mac asks for daddy and tells me sternly to “move” off the bed.
  • My mom calling and saying “How are things?”
  • The snow cancelled my plans to go see The Hunger Games at the stars and strollers screening.
  • My pants still don’t fit me.
  • We ran out of twix bars and gatorade (hmm, these last two could be related…)
  • A nightly snuggle with the whole family on our bed.
  • That Big Mac does not want to go to bed until he gives his baby brother a kiss.
  • The way Little Mac smells (both good and stinky).

I could go on.  And I am slowly moving closer to the “you’re being ridiculous” stage, if the looks my hubby has been giving me are any indication.  Man I am such a suck.  But I am SO in love with our new family.  Thinking about it makes me cry, so add that to the list.  Sheesh.  We should have taken stock out in kleenex.

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Big Mac meeting his baby brother for the first time in the hospital

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Bringing Little Mac home!

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Brothers

What’s in a name

Words made famous by Romeo.  Would you be the same person you are today if you had a different name?  Ever wished for a different name?  Does the name make the person, or the person grow in to their name?  SO many questions.  Clearly hubby and I have not settled on a name for Little Mac yet.  With Big Mac, we had a short list of 5 or so names, but we had secretly committed early on.  Just didn’t make any announcements until he was actually born.  For some reason I find it kind of weird to refer to this thing growing inside of me with a name.  Just using a nick name or “he” is weird enough.

But this time… it is definitely different.  We still have our one girl name (just in case), but had some serious difficulty trying to come up with a boy name.  The difficulty actually came in trying to narrow it down.  We finally got our list down to the Top 10.  This may seem like a lot, but was no small feat let me tell you.  Our list started at 40+ names.  :S  Pretty ridiculous.  But in true fashion, hubby and I created a spreadsheet with all possible names, nick names, middle names, initials and combinations.  We did not take this task lightly.

Naming a kid is friggin stressful.  That is their name.  For. Life.  There are all these stories of kids with weird names, and I don’t want my kid becoming one of those stories.  Plus, everyone wants to be different, make sure that their kid is unique.  You definitely don’t want your kid being  1 of 15 other of the same named kid.  This results in random spellings and combinations of names to make new names.  These can be quite delightful… but then you hear about “La-a”, which is supposed to be pronounced “La-dash-ah”.  Really?  I feel like this is an urban naming legend.

In our relentless internet searching for names, I found this website, Baby Name Wizard which has an incredible “Voyager” that shows you the rise and fall of name popularity.  Obviously this is legit.  I run all our names through here… quite obsessively.

So who knows what Little Mac is going to be called. We have about 17 days to figure it out.  Any suggestions?